Some of you may have noticed my significant absence on practically everything around the internet. I’ve decided to type up this blurb to hopefully explain things a bit to everyone.
Over the past month, I’ve been feeling progressively worse with my health. As of today, my medication has been increased again, in hopes that I won’t have to have to go to the hospital to have injections regularly. If I get to that point, I doubt you’ll see even less of me. I feel bad all the time, constantly running to the bathroom, and can’t even really find the time to enjoy video games. Trying to play/enjoy a game when you’re constantly in pain is very difficult.
As for my broadcasting, I don’t really know what to say. I once loved broadcasting, and found myself doing it for 8+ hours a day at one point. Now I can’t have fun with it for more than an hour without getting depressed. When casting, I don’t mind getting a low amount of viewers, as long as my chat is moving at a somewhat decent rate. I do/did it to interact with everyone and have fun with the chatters. Now the only cast you’ll most likely ever find me in is MAN’s because he is what I’ve always wanted to be. Let’s get real, we can all say we don’t cast for the number of viewers we may or may not get, but in reality there’s at least some little part of you that wishes you could get to that point. Twitch has become riddled with eSports and all this other nonsense that makes it practically impossible for the smaller broadcasters to make a dent. The question is, how long can I keep myself trying? Probably not much longer. I know there is a small group of people that does enjoy my show, and I’m sorry, but after 3 years of doing this I think it’s turned from dedication to ignorance. A lot of the support I once had is now gone, and most people spend their time in their own little clicks.
Skype… I’ve barely talked to anyone but a very select few in the past month or more even. I love talking to people, but I can’t handle it anymore. There’s either drama, me getting annoyed, people adding me to giant group conversations, or someone having an attitude towards me. So pretty much, don’t expect me to start very many conversations. I’m keeping to myself most anymore.
YouTube just died for me. I don’t have the urge to continue that, like I wish I could. It’s hard to find motivation in something that requires so much work, little feedback, and no reward. That’s just how my brain works, and I’m sorry if anyone thinks that’s selfish.
Now, as for Skillpoint, I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen with it. People on it are dropping like flies. I wish it would have, and could have, gone places. At this point in the Justin/Twitch community, everything is hard to do. My problem is that I’m a leader, and not a follower. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I’m not a very good leader…
In the end, I’m pretty much just a failure at all I try to do. I’m depressed most of the time and I need my space, and time alone. I’ll always be around if I’m needed or wanted, but I’m not going to push myself into many, if anymore, things. You can kind of count this post as my official hiatus of everything on the internet. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts to share (they won’t appear right away). I’m working on taking care of me, so all else is way down my list of priorities. I hope all this has shed a little more light on what’s been going on with me lately.